I Came to Dance

I don’t know how to do things. Really. I’ve never been the slightest bit interested in being domestic and have never really been required to. For the first 22 years of my life I lived either a) in a lovely lovely house with the lovely lovely parents b) in a sorority house, complete with 43 other girls (and a cook and a maid- those are the important parts here) or c) with roommates who are better cooks/housekeepers/people than I am. But now I’ve been living alone for a month, and it is a disaster.

Here’s what I know (or don’t) so far:

• Why is my kitchen sink so dirty? How did this happen? How am I supposed to clean a kitchen sink? With dish soap? Other soap? Shouldn’t all the water that goes in it everyday take care of this? Right? No? Damn.
• I need to have Time Warner on speed dial. I am sorry, kind cable representatives, that you have to suffer through my calls about needing to know which button to push so that I can watch a DVD. I have failed.
• Why is there a fireplace in every apartment I looked at? I live in Texas. How many people in Texas are really going to be starting fires on any given day? I looked at your average temperatures, and it is going to be in the 70s well through November. Better question, who here is trusting me to start a fire? That’s what I thought.
• Apartment complex gyms are for people who pretend they want to be fit but don’t have the time, energy or money to go to an actual gym with a diverse array of working equipment. I am one of those people now.
• I’m terrible at grocery shopping. Most people go into a store with a list and a plan and a slight idea of what they are doing. Those people are grownups. I, on the other hand, make approximately 17 aimless laps around the store until I decide there’s enough Lean Cuisine and cheese in my cart.

As you can see, I am terrible at being an adult. I’m really just counting the days until I either starve to death or end up on an episode of Hoarders. The over/under is December. Place your bets.

Before graduation I thought it was great that I could go anywhere and do anything I wanted.

Now it’s terrifying.